I vividly remember the moment I evolved as a runner. It wasn’t the moment I crossed the finish line of my first marathon. It wasn’t that moment when my mind was fuzzy and I staggered across the finish line of my first 100-miler. Nope, not the time I was running in a wind storm and my runny nose ended up in my eye lashes. My transformation came at mile 20 of a beautiful trail run in southern Utah when I stopped at my car to refuel with a pack of Hostess Crumb Donettes.
At this transformative period of my life, I already had a long-standing love affair with Hostess products. But I had never had the pleasure of using them to fill my veins with sugar during a run before. I stashed some in my car and planned to eat one or two Donettes instead of a Gu packet. But they were so good that I ate another. And then another. And before I knew it, I was standing with an empty package, crumbs down my shirt, and a stomach that audibly said “thank you for your gracious gift.”
I was surprised how well my stomach tolerated the donuts in the middle of a long run. I was fully expecting a gastrointestinal revolt. I was so surprised in fact, that on the next long run I tried a Hostess Snowball. As much as it pains me to talk bad about something so delicious, I admit that the Snowball didn’t go over well mid-run. For you unfortunate souls who haven’t had a Snowball before, imagine a velvety cream center covered by chocolate cake covered by a thick layer of marshmallow covered by pink coconut sprinkles. I had a “No duh!” moment after I tried to run and my stomach didn’t feel very good. Shocker! I can think of nothing worse than a bad case of Snowball Gut. (Well, except for eating cauliflower or listening to Celine Dion. I believe those things actually are worse than Snowball Gut.)
Every year I organize a group of 50 friends to run a half marathon in celebration of all things Hostess. A requirement of the fun run includes eating a Hostess product every two miles, although “The Hostess With The Mostest” Award goes to the person who, you guessed it, eats the most Hostess. It’s not often that you can say you gained weight during a running event instead of losing weight! The “race” is enjoyed by everybody and nobody at the same time.
After a great deal of trial and error, I’ve come to realize that the best Hostess product during running was my first Hostess product: the Crumb Donette. I only wish that these little morsels of heaven had a different name. I’d prefer that they just be called Donuts. I feel like I’m risking my Man Card by saying how much I love a food that ends in “ette”.
According to Dr. Thomas Dansie at the Institute for Completely Imaginary Facts, “A Twinkie contains the superior combination of monocalcium phosphate, sodium stearoyl, and soy lecithin to fuel the demands of a grueling ultramarathon.” As ultrarunners, we are striving to extend our durability and longevity. It seems only fitting that we ought to consume products that contain enough preservatives to survive the apocalypse.
Surely I can’t be alone in my desire for Twinkie-flavored Gu packets or energy bars that taste like cream-filled cupcakes with little white swirls on top. These would be a true revolution in ultramarathon fueling. Chia seeds are so 2009! Until then, we’ll have to subsist on Chocodiles and Ding Dongs. Is it important to eat healthy in training and racing? Without a doubt! I certainly eat more than my share of rabbit food. But is it okay to fudge a little with junk food while training for an ultra? I sure hope so. Otherwise I should retire right now.
My brother told me a funny story. He found out about this article on a flight home from Washington DC last week. He was sitting next to someone reading the magazine, and unexpectedly looked over and saw me standing there holding a Twinkie. I expect Hostess sales to skyrocket.
This is so cool Cory! I'll have to go check it out and grab a copy.ReplyDelete
Oh my gosh Cory!! This was so cool!! I'm seriously going to grab some Hostess products when I start marathon training again! I have an iron stomach so I can safely say that I think it'll go well (sans Snowballs)!ReplyDelete
Awesome!!! Hal Higdon swears by Pop Tarts prior to a long run. I started doing the same and they work great (Strawberry frosted, thank you very much). Quick energy, no gut rot. I have to skip the chocolate but I'm all for the donuts or Twinkies ... gonna try it with my next training cycle!ReplyDelete
bahahaha. i just laughed out loud about your brother. thats awesome. this whole article is beyond amazing! im so excited for you! i know the trail race this past weekend was only 15 miles...but i wish that they had understood how dang hungry trail running makes me. next time i will have to remember to "bring my own chocolate" because i was disappointed to find only water. haha! congrats on a great article! see you tonight!ReplyDelete
Oh my funny-ness! I laughed so many times while reading. I really hope that Celine Dion doesn't take up ultra running and just so happens to get this issue and read her name in there. She just might hunt you down. No judging allowed since I actually happen to enjoy Celine Dion!!ReplyDelete
Can I just say how awesome the letters ette are?? Ummm....hello?? Just look at my name?
We can only hope that sales will skyrocket so they won't go out of business! You would have to turn to the no-name brand which I'm sure just wouldn't even compare in deliciousness.
Draper Trails tonight.............wahoo!!!!!!!!!!
Awesome!!!! I must go buy this! So so so cool Cory.ReplyDelete
This is so great! SO funny, congrats on being in UltraRunner!ReplyDelete
How fun and congratulations... love the story about your brother. That is just so awesome!ReplyDelete
That was so funny. The bit about the hostess half marathon had me totally intrigued and revolted in equal measure. My stomach plays up so easily when I'm running. I'm sure I would be the first to throw up in your race. But if I ever ran it, I'd be wearing one of my new aprons to keep with the spirit of the event.ReplyDelete
As your personal dietitian, I am shocked at your lack of proper nutrition and fueling for a run...ReplyDelete
On the flip side, you are the greatest and my hero!!
I love it, Cory! Congrats on the funny article (and I hate you for making me crave Hostess products right now....I'm supposed to be eating salmon tonight, damnit!). That bit about your brother is hilarious.ReplyDelete
That's awesome your brother looked over at someone's magazine to see a pic of you eating a twinkie! What are the odds of that?ReplyDelete
I think the "snowball" is why hostess had to file BK!ReplyDelete
My friend Cory... You are talented, humorous, and my very favorite ultra runner in the world. This is A.W.E.S.O.M.E. I hope to see your work from many more magazines in the future.ReplyDelete
Congrats on a great article!ReplyDelete
I'm happy to see that your fine writing skills are finally going viral. :)ReplyDelete
Cory you know I share the love of hostess products. I have to tell you the crumb donettes are my go to fuel for runs. :) but now your secret run is out there I suspect it will now out do the St. George Marathon.ReplyDelete
That's hilarious! A great read!ReplyDelete
I am SO glad you shared this; I stopped at the running store the other day to get the magazine but they were sold out and didn't have it. I suspect was only because everyone was chomping at the bit to get ahold of this awesome article. So great you got your Hostess word out (there is a big Hostess plant in my hometown of Davenport, Iowa, btw. In case you're driving through sometime and need a fix :)). I am dying laughing that there is some sports nutrition ad right next to your article :).ReplyDelete
YOU ARE AWESOME!! Congrats, Corey!
Opps, slipped an "e" in your name. Sorry.Delete
Cory, you are certainly ONE of a kind! Though, you have found some GOOD company in the friendship of other sugary-donette devourers. The chocolate covered mini-donut is my personal favorite. WTG getting published!!ReplyDelete
Nice writing, too. You are very entertaining!
This is really awesome! I've had one or two of my race reports featured in a local running magazine and it feels great. Thanks for sharing! UltraRunning Magazine is not available here in SA so I really enjoyed this.ReplyDelete
That's great! My favorites are the white powdered donuts, but I haven't tried running with them yet.ReplyDelete
what??? you're famous! too neat!ReplyDelete
I'm always tweaking my nutrition because it never seems to be "just right." Maybe I've found the missing link...ReplyDelete
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