Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My Most Embarrassing Experience Ever


On Wednesday during a 30 mile run I had the most embarrassing moment of my life (right behind that time when I was nine years old doing school clothes shopping and a lady opened the door of my dressing room while I was standing there in my tighty whities).

I had run eight miles when I passed through some long stretches of field after field. From past experience I knew the mosquitoes were horrible here, but I didn’t put bug spray on before the run because it was raining. (I put a poncho in my pack just in case it started to downpour.)

Unfortunately, by the time I reached the fields it had stopped raining. I started to feel a few mosquitoes on my legs.

I ran faster. “Maybe if I’m moving faster they won’t be able to catch me.” I thought.

But they did catch me. Sweet mercy did they ever catch me. I don’t know why, but mosquitoes think I am the finest thing since Justin Bieber. My wife and I can go running and she’ll get home with a mosquito bite. I’ll have fifty. (Literally.) And they swell up to the size of Junior Mints.  

So I realize that they are swarming all over my legs. I’m running like the dickens. Then a horrific thing happened: I looked behind me. I was surrounded by a cloud of mosquitoes. My neck and arms and back were covered. They were sucking my blood through my shirt.

I ran faster. I had this vision in my mind of someone coming across my bones on the side of the road. And a coroner doing an autopsy and then telling my family that I had Death By Mosquito. “Run, Cory! RUN!” said a voice in my brain.

By this point I was experiencing my first ever panic attack. I didn’t want to stop and pull out my phone to call my wife because I knew if I stopped for even a split second I would get an extra 100 bites. And then I took off my head phones and that’s when the panic attack reached epic proportions. It sounded like a swarm of angry hornets. “AAAAAHHHHHH!” said that voice in my brain.

That was the tipping point. I stopped and got the phone out of my pack and called my wife. Our conversation went like this:

Me: “Help! I’m being attacked my mosquitoes!”
Mel: “Okay, I’m on my way.”
Me: “Please! Hurry!”
Mel: “Do you have your poncho?”
Me: “Yes, but that won’t help at all! It doesn’t cover my legs!”
Mel: “Sit down on the ground and put the poncho over you and I’ll bring you some bug spray.”

Her idea sounded just plain dumb but I wasn’t thinking clearly and had no other option, unless I wanted Death By Mosquito. So I pulled out the poncho, sat down on the side of the road, and covered myself in that thin coat of plastic.

And then I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed. “Please, please Lord. Please don’t let a car drive by and see me sitting here.” And for 20 minutes my prayer was answered. But then my fear came to pass. I heard a car coming. “Please, please Lord. Please let that be my wife.”

But it wasn’t my wife. A car sped by and I was more than relieved that they didn’t stop and ask what in the world was going on. And then the car stopped and turned around! “AAAHHHH!” said that voice inside my head.

A lady with a shih tzu on her lap rolled down her window. “Are you…….okay?” “Yes, I’m fine.” I whimpered. “I’m getting eaten by mosquitoes so I’m just waiting for my wife to get here with some bug spray.” A concerned look flashed across her face and then she drove away. This is what my pathetic self looked like:

After 30 minutes my wife arrived and saw the most pathetic scene I’m sure her eyes have ever witnessed:

I had smeared blood on my arms and legs from swatting mosquitoes. And apparently some on my face.

I am so thankful that my wife rescued me. She is a true angel. And I’m so embarrassed that she had to see her husband wrapped up in a plastic bag sitting on the side of the road. I wouldn’t blame her if she thought of me as less of a man. Not only did those mosquitoes suck out my blood. They also sucked out some of my dignity.

31 comments:

  1. You know...they say that you are just "sweeter" when you are the biggest mosquito magnet around. :)

    There is an old south american indian trick to save yourself from certain mosquito death. It involves smearing mud all over yourself. Your wife was kind enough to save you though...maybe she didn't want mud in the house!

    Seiously. You are too funny! Loved this post. Just a typical day in the life of a runner...

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  2. This is the GREATEST story ever and I think your wife is the most sweet, supportive woman. She didn't even question anything but just hustled there to help you out. What a gal!

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  3. This is hilarious. Your wife is an angel, but also brilliant. Who cares what (snicker) that lady thought (snicker). At least you were alive.

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  4. What a sight! That really makes me laugh! And only because I was being attacked yesterday but just by annoying gnats. I was trying to use the windshield wiper motion with my hands and was glad no one was on the trail to see me. I'm sure I looked like an idiot. Glad you escaped with your flesh intact.

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  5. How funny...and awful. I hate mosquitos!

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  6. haha this is so awesome!! I would have done the exact same thing. Mosquito bites are seriously the worst thing ever!!! It was 100% worth the embarassment. And look on the bright side at least it was just an old lady and not like your enemy from HS or something. ;)

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  7. LOL!! I mean I am SO sorry!
    I too get the bloated look when I run across mosquitoes. I lose EVERY time!

    I work in the mosquito "industry" and when people call in and tell me that they are SURE I have never seen such a sight/reaction with mosquito bites, all I can do is sympathize with them because I am SURE they wouldn't believe that I KNOW what they are talking about. The customer is always right, right?

    But I did worry about you playing with plastic.
    My momma told me to never put my head in a plastic bag.

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  8. Oh man, that was funny!! I'm so sorry you were nearly killed by killer mosquitoes...that it truly horrific! I'm so glad your brilliant wife told you to hid in that sack ;) I enjoyed the pictures greatly!

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  9. That last line was one of the funniest things I've read in a while. AWESOME!

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  10. This was so funny and awful! We were lucky with nearly no mosquitos this year! but now I know what to do if we do get them bad!

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  11. Haha! That's hilarious...I can't believe they were just attacking you, that's so weird and gross. I'm glad your wife could come rescue you (and maybe get a life-long funny story to tell about you). :)

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  12. I have the same problem with the bugs loving me more than other people.

    In the travel section of Target, they have little travel bottles of Off. I always have one stashed in my Nathan vest. :)

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  13. HOLY COW you were viciously attacked! I had no idea that those western skeeters are so aggressive! I would have just cried and swatted and probably would have been found partially devoured several hours later. I say you chose right... dignity be damned!

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  14. I'm so sorry. I have to admit that I laughed at your pain - especially the picture of you under the plastic. My son's girlfriend holds the same attraction to mosquitoes. And having her in the room in summer means that I stay unchewed so I often call her my human sacrifice.

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  15. Wow, what a story! Glad that you eventually made it out of there, crazy stuff can happen on runs!

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  16. Oh my gosh! That is crazy! I would totally have freaked out too if a cloud of mosquitos was chasing me!

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  17. Of course you do know that your wife is a saint? Sorry the bugs like you so much... do you think it might be your diet?

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  18. I'm glad you could breathe inside that poncho, Cory--that looks seriously uncomfortable to me. I wish I could have seen the look on that lady's face when she stopped to try and help. I love the photos!

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  19. I can't believe you have such horrific mosquitoes in the desert...what's up with that? But I'm glad you had the poncho and a loving wife to drive a half hour to get you. :)

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  20. My husband and I are exactly the same way with mosquitoes - I get a few bites; he gets DEVOURED. And then his bites swell up to the size of road apples. I feel for you guys... Sometimes you've just got to sacrifice style to keep yourself from getting the blood sucked right out of you .

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  21. Maybe it's all the Hostess sugar running through your blood.

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  22. That was awful. Funny. But awful. I too get eaten up. But they just like sweet people right? The other day we were running and a bug was snooping around my face and nose and Kevin was singing random lines of "can't touch this" and I used the song to tell the stupid bug can't touch this. It takes a real man to give in and admit defeat and you are that. No dignity lost only gained. Smack just killed one of the buggers.

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  23. That might be one of the funniest things I have ever read. Also, I could so see myself doing that too! Human bubble on the side of the road. I could tell ya to lay off the Hostess and then you wouldn't be so sweet to them, but I think I read somewhere once they actually prefer bitter blood.

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  24. Oh my goodness Cory.... I just laughed out loud through that entire post. I can't even imagine having this happen. What a blessing your wife is for coming to your rescue. I hope you repay the favor some how. :)

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  25. Your wife is a live saver When we were attacked on a trail run by I am sure a 20' rattlesnake dropping our car keys in the process. She came to rescue us. Luckily I feared the snake and went back on the trail to find the keys. Thank you wife of fastcory. The trailrunner's angel.

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  26. You definitely need to eat a lot more garlic. Does Hostess make a garlic cakelet?

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  27. Oh dear, lol at LOT reading this (sorry, I'm sure it was a terrifying experience) so much so my husband asked what I was reading. I had to retell the story and show him the photo, apparently I'm not nearly as funny as you are at telling mosquitos stories. Would love to have been a......fly on the wall (oh dear) during this entire episode :D

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  28. Ohhhh dear Cory!! What a mess!! I would have been going nuts like you! Good thing you're not super allergic to bug bites and things like that! The only thing missing was a Hostess to make you smile :)

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  29. I'm sorry but that is quite possibly the FUNNIEST thing I have ever read, the picture makes it even better!

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  30. I came over here from Josh is Running, and this is the best story ever! I also know someone who is running Javelina this weekend. Good luck!

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  31. Hahahaha thank you SO much for providing the pictures! I couldn't stop laughing when I saw those.

    Found you via Eli McCann's blog (you commented once saying you're a humor writer, and I was like "Me too!!" except I think I'm the only one laughing)

    Chaun from www.hiccupsandpastries.com

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