Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I SWEAR I'm Not Using Steroids

I haven't been posting on the blog quite as much the last month or so. This is because I am under investigation for steroid use. Apparently a few things tipped off the authorities: 1) Super fast race times such as a 32 hour finish at the Zion 100, and 2) My incredibly ripped, toned body.

On the surface you might look at me and think: "What in the WORLD is he talking about? I've never seen someone so scrawny and gangly." But looks can be deceiving. Just look what happens when I have my shirt on versus when my shirt is off:

With such enormous tickets to the gun show it's probably best that I keep my shirt on. I feel like I would embarrass other guys and I don't want them to feel like less of a man. But I swear I'm not on the juice.

Aside from defending my innocence from using 'roids, there have been a few other things that have kept my life ridiculously busy:

1) WORK
I'm a social worker for the University of Utah Dialysis Program. I've been busy with various projects and traveling out of town to do a presentation.

2) BEING A SINGLE PARENT
Mel recently started schooling to become a nurse practitioner. So she works all day and then comes home to do school work at night. I'm usually in charge of meal preparation and feel sorry for my family because my cooking skillz are so lacking that I could even screw up making a bowl of cereal. Despite being super busy herself Mel still managed to crew and pace at the Zion 100 which was awesome.

3) TRAIL WORK
I finished my mandatory volunteer trail work for the Wasatch 100. I removed 187 pounds of garbage from Confluence Park and in the process found this SWEET gem: one of the finest albums ever.

4) A NEW PUPPY  PONY
We've had Little Debbie for about a month now. In case you missed it, Little Debbie is a Great Dane and is arguably the cutest puppy ever.

We are busy with potty training, and dealing with the usual puppy phase of raising a dog.

There is another couple in our neighborhood that has a few Great Danes. This is what we're in for:

5) RUNNING
In the midst of all our busyness I slipped in a 100 miler at Zion.

6) WEEKEND IN VEGAS
Over the weekend we went to Las Vegas to go see Chris Tomlin in concert. He is one of my favorite musicians and put on a great show.

If you missed the post on my Facebook page, our hotel room was, um, sketchy. Mel said the hotel looked fine on the internet. But it couldn't have been farther from "fine". It was the kind of place that had way to many hairs from the previous occupants in the shower. The kind of place where you risk catching an STD just by pulling in the parking lot. The kind of place where your "non-smoking" room makes you feel like you're sucking through a chimney. One daughter said the pull out bed was too gross to sleep on. One daughter said the floor was too gross to sleep on. We agreed with both of them and let them each sleep where they felt was less gross. We assured them that this was an experience that 1) we would look back on and laugh, and 2) cause emphysema.

If you're dying to know how I have built such a muscular, toned physique I'll let you in on my secret. It doesn't involve steroids. It's a diet craze I'm trying to start called Body By Dr. Pepper.

5 comments:

  1. I guessed from your leaping ability that you were either on steroids or sugared up from too many Hostess snacks. Glad you cleared that up.

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  2. Oh my goodness - that puppy of yours is so cute! I love Great Danes. They have such a sweet disposition in such an overgrown body.

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  3. You're hilarious Cory! Thanks for making me laugh out loud today.

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  4. Cory you make my day..im over here rolling on the floor

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