Monday, March 13, 2017

5 Easy Steps Guaranteed To WIN Your Next Marathon

I used to struggle with anything beyond mediocre finishes at marathons. When I wanted to find my name in the race results, I just needed to scroll toward the bottom. But that was then. This is NOW!

I'd like to teach you my 5 Easy Steps Guaranteed To Help You Win Your Next Marathon. I have used these tips time after time, and I have won 100% of the races I have used these tools. I used them most recently the Sand Mountain Marathon last week.

1) Find a 26.2 mile run and don't invite a single soul. If you consistently run with a training partner, lie and tell them you have the flu, then go run your own 26.2. Inviting anyone else significantly decreases your odds of winning. It's no accident why this tip is ranked #1. I chose to run on some trails around Sand Mountain in southern Utah.

Follow tip #1 and you should win the marathon. The following 4 items are bonus tips to help you have more fun as you crush your (non-existent) competition and earn a podium finish:

2) Your aid station can have anything you want, so make it good! I had snacks and water in my car, then came back every 8-10 miles to restock my pack. No more of the traditional nasty Gatorade and brown bananas you typically find at marathon aid stations!

3) Don't obsess over your pace. Stop and smell the roses. This is a marathon. It's supposed to be fun for crying out loud. You should probably stop and take a jumping picture. And then when you stop in the same place a few hours later, take another one. (I'm terrified of heights. There is a ledge right to the side of me so I'm not right on the edge of a cliff like it may appear.)

4) Choose a cool route. The views at the top of the mountain are absolutely INCREDIBLE. Take, for example, THIS video by The Piano Guys which has nearly 60 MILLION views. They filmed it up here.

I made a few trips up and down the mountain taking some different trails. Cool rocks like this were strewn around.

Near the end of the marathon I ran on some trails at the base of the mountain. This is what the cliffs look like from the bottom:

5) Don't forget to tip the race photographer. (I hear he accepts Zingers and will probably just set the camera on the ground to take a staged running picture.)

Not only are the costs of race registrations like this highly economical, but you can hold your head high in victory as you stop at the gas station on the way home to buy a Dr. Pepper. Now go for it! Go run, and WIN your next marathon!


  1. Ha ha ha - very nicely said! (And wow - those jumping pictures are so great! You have really perfected those skills - they both look like instant death followed immediately.)

  2. Now I'm ready to win my next race. Thanks for that and the Paradise link, too!

  3. Will think about this while I turn around the pond for the Before Work Marathon!!! First place for me!!

  4. I'm a rock geek ~ WOW! Great jump pics, too. Those rocks are VERY COOL! How long is the trek?

  5. Ha ha ha - very nicely said! (And wow - those jumping pictures are so great! You have really perfected those skills

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