Thursday, February 9, 2012

I Almost Went Chuck Norris On A Guy

I remembered a situation that happened a few years ago that was pretty funny (and by "pretty funny" I mean "very scary".) I'm deeply grateful I lived to tell about it.

One night Mel and I went on a casual bike ride. I was going down a hill on the side of the road minding my own bees wax when a car pulled up behind me and laid on the horn. I thought it must be one of my friends being obnoxious. But after 10 seconds of honking I turned around to see this punk kid who then sped past me.

I was slightly irritated (and by "slightly irritated" I mean "I am going to go Chuck Norris on this guy.") Then I saw him pull into the gas station a block ahead. I decided to pull in too and let him know that his dirt bag behavior wasn't very cool. Well it just so happens that as he was pulling into the gas station, he honked at someone else because their door was opened and he couldn't get by (FYI: he could get by.) Thankfully some other patrons saw him being a punk too.

So I pulled my sissy bike up behind his car and waited for him to get out. But when he did, a significant amount of my bravery evaporated. I realized maybe I bit off more than I could chew. It was a punk teenager with six earrings and an attitude. He looked grumpy and mean. I said "Why were you honking at me?" He said in a mega-sassy voice "Cause you were in the middle of the road!" (FYI: I wasn't in the middle of the road.)

So then I said "Oh yea? Why don't you say that to my face! I'm about to give you a five-knuckle introduction. I'll put a goose egg on your head big enough to have an umbilical cord!"

Disclaimer: I did say the previous sentence to him. In my head.

The other people who saw him honking chimed in, nearly matching the punk's sassy voice and said to him "The world doesn't revolve around you!" Then a bunch of 4-letter words started flying. Seriously. They were about to go Jerry Springer on each other. I figured that was my cue to leave.

I'm sure he was scared to death when he saw me. My enormous muscles intimidate most people. I'm guessing this will be the last time he messes with someone who looks this terrifying:


  1. Love the story. Love the sweatshirt ;-)

    I had a BIG truck bearing down on me when I was going down a loooooooooong hill on my bike last year. It was pretty much the scariest thing ever. There was only a gravel edge to the road and he was so close behind me I was too nervous to try to pull over. I thought he would just run me right over. The thing is, he could have totally gone around me

    Why do people have to be so mean?

  2. Oh man Cory, some days when I get in to work and I see that you've posted something, EVERYTHING gets put on hold until I can read your latest entry. You've reached viral status at my office. I pass your posts around all the time and loudly exclaim "I KNOW THIS GUY!", though if we're being honest, most of my memories with you revolve around 7th and 10th grade gym classes, and that one time we went to Winchell's. ;-)

    Thanks for the laughs!

  3. No one messes with Kenny G and lives to tell about it! You are so BA!

  4. Where do I get one of those sweatshirts? I would say he deserved a donut shoved in his face, but Hostess is too good for that guy!

  5. ha ha I love your stories and I love Kenny G too. :)

  6. Nearly choked on my cup of tea. Laughing too hard. It's so nice that you had a sweatshirt made with your boyfriend's name on it ;)

  7. I would have been scared. Kenny G is no joke. :)

  8. That shirt!! OMGosh, so funny. :)

    I HATE when people come up all loud and honking behind me when I run or bike. Scares the crap out of me. That's a nice thing about the jerkwad drivers out there.

    That said, my town is pretty bike friendly, unless you count my mom and my husband. Seriously. Not that they are outwardly hostile to cyclists, but you should hear them talk. I keep reminding them that it could be me out there.

  9. One of the funniest things I've read today! Where in the world did you find the sweat shirt? And do you really wear it? :)

  10. FYI: I love Kenny G too, although I don't think that sweatshirt is really all that intimidating. Sometimes people like that need an ear full. At least you had a little backup from the others at the gas station. I'm glad you did have to "throw down!"

  11. We need Cherie to make bumper stickers that say," my kids are Triathaletes, give them 3 feet!, or my parents are ..., or my kid is a ....., etc

  12. That type of guy has never known kindness or shown how good charity is, how sad for him. I do love your retorts, even if only in Your head