Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Allegations Against Me In The News

HURRICANE, UT - Having gotten off work, coming home, eating dinner, and spending some time with his family, ultramarathon runner Cory Reese ran 20 miles consisting of one mile loops around the block Friday night.

"I had already seen that night's rerun of Seinfeld and didn't feel like watching The Bachelor so I decided I'd just go out running instead." He admits that had there been Alf reruns on television he likely would have skipped the run.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Reese added. "I have a 100 mile race coming up in a month and the course is a two mile loop so I figured it would be good training." As wise philosophers have said, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Reese's son Jackson thought the idea "sounded pretty fun" as well and joined Reese for ten miles.
Marathon around the block

Reese told reporters that running around the block for four hours doesn't even come close to the nonsensical half-brained ideas he has been involved with in the past. "Once I ran 20 miles around the middle school track. I considered quitting my job to become a cake decorator. One time I even got gutsy enough to make fun of Spartan races."

Having already completed five 100 mile races over grueling, difficult trails, Reese has been vocal about his intentions to run a PR at the 100 mile Jackpot Ultra Running Festival on February 15th. "I plan on finishing this race faster than 27 hours and 44 minutes. If that doesn't happen, I'll probably drive to McDonalds and drown my sorrows in breakfast burritos. Then I'll punish my poor performance by forcing myself to listen to a Celine Dion CD on the way home. Chances are that I'll spend the next six days sitting in the corner of my bathroom crying."

Though the stakes are high and Reese clearly feels threatened by the possibility of listening to Celine Dion, all indications are that we will see a PR at the race. Friday night's run was smooth and deliberate.

"Actually it was pretty boring. I listened to NPR on the radio until 1:00am. How fun does that sound?" Polite reporters declined to offer an immediate response such as "I'd rather get paper cuts on my eyeballs than run 20 miles around the block."

Reese was joined for three miles by his dog Aunt Jackie. Asked to comment on the experience, Aunt Jackie's only comment was "Cory smells like sausage."

Throughout his running endeavors, Reese's wife Melanie continues to be a stalwart supporter. "Quite frankly I'd rather have him be out running. When he's home all he does is blabber on and on about Scott Jurek or steal the Raisinets out of the secret stash in my drawer."

Jackson finished a spectacular ten miles before retiring for the evening.

Allegations have surfaced against Reese that he is planning to use soreness from his 50 mile race a few weeks before the 100 mile race as an excuse if he does not achieve a personal record. Reese declined questions about this saying "I can neither confirm nor deny that I'm already preparing an excuse."

The city of Hurricane seems to be rallying around Reese's efforts. "We're really pulling for him to get a PR," said neighbor Tom Dansie. "We know how much Cory hates McDonald's breakfast burritos."


  1. Best article I've read in quite some time! Thumbs up!

  2. Love that this blogpost is written this way =) What newspaper does it come from? ;)

  3. I would subscribe to this paper! Great post.

  4. lol!!! How fun that your son ran with you! That's awesome!

  5. Way to go Jackson!!!! Good luck in the 100 Corey!

  6. This is brilliant! And Jackson is seriously impressive, as is your awesome wife's support (if not her choice of candy...raisinets? Really?).

  7. I have a couple of questions. How can I get my husband to become an ultramarathoner so I can be left in peace for hours in the evening? And why do you smell like sausage?

  8. Looks like it's a sure deal! Thank goodness. It would be hard to listen to more than an hour of Celine- but her voice is pretty. I admit to that opinion, I think.

  9. At least no one called the cops :-)

  10. This is great! Love it. I've seen your Altra video all over FB and blogs this week are a total celebrity.

    And I may be crazy...but I think I see a future ultra runner in the family. Way to go Jackson!

  11. Only corey could get away with this article :) loved it

  12. Only corey could get away with this article :) loved it