8 Ways Family Vacations Are Like Ultramarathons

A few weeks ago our family put on our tourist hats and went on vacation to California. We saw how astronauts go to the bathroom at the California Science Center. We tried to pet Jaws at Universal Studios. And we ate ridiculously overpriced (and highly delicious) churros at Knott's Berry Farm.

I couldn't help but notice all the similarities between family vacations and ultramarathons. Allow me to share some of those with you:

1) THE FOOD IS THE SAME.
Hope you like stale sandwiches and warm soda. The "once food" you pull out of your backpack for lunch after hitting a bunch of roller coasters is shockingly similar to the crusty sandwiches and warm Coke at the aid station that have been sitting out on the table for twelve hours. Delicious! (Or not.)

2) ARE WE THERE YET?
If your family is anything like mine, you'll hear the phrase "Are we there yet?" somewhere between two thousand and three thousand times on the drive. The first hour. But that pales in comparison to the amount of times you'll hear it during an ultra when you are in that black hole between aid stations and your pace has slowed to that of a sloth drunk on Benadryl.

3) EXPERIENCING NEW LOCATIONS CAN BE SCARY.
Going to a new race where you're unfamiliar with the course can be daunting. I was petrified when I signed up for a race that included a climb called "Widowmaker". I was also petrified at the log flume ride.

4) THERE IS AN ABUNDANCE OF ARGUING AND FIGHTING.
Take a 6+ hour drive with your kids. You will hear "She's touching me!" or "He's breathing my air!" approximately, oh, a bajillion times. Similar fighting is found at ultramarathons. The scene goes kind of like this:

Pacer: "It's time to eat something."
Runner: In slurred speech - "No."
Pacer: "You haven't eaten for an hour and a half. You NEED to eat. Try this Gu packet."
Runner: "NOOOOO! And if you tell me to eat something again I will choke you with my hydration pack, pour salt from my S-Caps in your eyes, and leave your corpse here in the desert for vultures to eat.

DISCLAIMER: Then to pay you back for being sassy they will take a humiliating picture of you at mile 92 when you are sleep walking and praying for a visit from the angel of death.

5) YOU GET TO SEE CARTOON CHARACTERS!
On vacation it's people dressed up in hot, sweaty costumes that have to pretend they're happy hour after hour. During your ultra you get to run with the same characters. It's just that you're hallucinating them. But seriously, how awesome would it be to have Homer Simpson as your pacer?!??!

6) IN THE MOMENT, THE EXPERIENCE CAN BE HORRIBLE. 
I enjoy traffic and waiting in long amusement park rides as much as I enjoy Celine Dion music. Likewise, challenges and temporary misery are inevitable in ultras. Nausea, blisters, aches, pains, cramps, and exhaustion so intense that you swear a Care Bear is trying to give you a fist bump. Ugh.

7) YOU FEEL REALLY HAPPY WHEN IT'S ALL OVER
I was ecstatic to get home and sleep in my own bed after our vacation. I also feel so happy when my scrawny chicken legs arrive at the finish line of an ultramarathon. It's like all that soreness and exhaustion vanishes. (But fear not amigos, five minutes after you cross the finish line you'll swear a Greyhound Bus is resting on your legs.)

8) WITHIN DAYS YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT WHAT RACE/VACATION WILL BE NEXT.
I can't remember which day of the vacation it was (hmmm, all of them?) when we were trapped in the car listening to kids argue and I swore to myself that I was retiring from vacations. But when I look back through pictures all I think of is the fun times. And aren't races exactly the same? Once you are able to walk down stairs without resembling Frankenstein, you think of the fun and excitement and the enormous sense of accomplishment. And you find yourself searching the internet for your next fix of ultramarathon awesomeness.

My 2014 Race Schedule

I am so excited to be trying out some new races this year as well as some old favorites. Here is what I'm planning so far:

February 1st: Antelope Canyon 50 Miler
This one is going to be epic. And it's NEXT WEEK! This is the first time a race has ever been permitted to run through Antelope Canyon, definitely one of the most beautiful places in the world.

February 15th: Jackpot Ultra Running Festival 100 Miler
This will be my first short loop race ever. It's a 2 mile loop.....for 100 miles. I can't wait. I'm hoping to earn myself one of these belt buckles:

March 21st: Antelope Island Buffalo Run 100 Miler
I got a PR at this race last year and had a complete blast. I'd highly recommend this for a first 100.

May 17th: Grand Canyon 50 Miler
This is a brand new race and I'm expecting some awesome scenery and beautiful trails.

September 13th: Mid Mountain Marathon
Last year was my first time running this one and it has the best scenery I've ever enjoyed during a marathon. The trails are runable and fun. Can't recommend this one enough.

September 26th: Bear 100????????
There is a little part of me that is thinking about the Bear 100. I'm not sure I'm man enough to tackle this beast yet.

October 4th: St. George Marathon
If I don't run the Bear 100 I'll probably run a double St. George Marathon again.

Yes, it is shaping up to be an AWESOME year of running!!!

Running With Territorial Cows

Last week I had a lovely reunion with my dear old friend the Gould's Rim Trail. A few sections run along the rim of a canyon....which is how the trail acquired the funniest trail sign I've ever seen.

The trail took me past quite a few herds of cattle. I'm talking RIGHT past them. I prayed they weren't aggressive cows who would try to get justice for all the Big Macs I ate in my younger years. Thankfully they were friendly.

The trail is technical and rocky and beautiful. Beautiful enough to justify a jumping picture. Or two.

And then, wouldn't you know it, more cows. Cows are very territorial. They stick their tongue out at you if you want to share the trail with them.

Dear Gould's Rim: I love you. I will be back to see you soon.

Allegations Against Me In The News

HURRICANE, UT - Having gotten off work, coming home, eating dinner, and spending some time with his family, ultramarathon runner Cory Reese ran 20 miles consisting of one mile loops around the block Friday night.

"I had already seen that night's rerun of Seinfeld and didn't feel like watching The Bachelor so I decided I'd just go out running instead." He admits that had there been Alf reruns on television he likely would have skipped the run.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Reese added. "I have a 100 mile race coming up in a month and the course is a two mile loop so I figured it would be good training." As wise philosophers have said, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Reese's son Jackson thought the idea "sounded pretty fun" as well and joined Reese for ten miles.

Reese told reporters that running around the block for four hours doesn't even come close to the nonsensical half-brained ideas he has been involved with in the past. "Once I ran 20 miles around the middle school track. I considered quitting my job to become a cake decorator. One time I even got gutsy enough to make fun of Spartan races."

Having already completed five 100 mile races over grueling, difficult trails, Reese has been vocal about his intentions to run a PR at the 100 mile Jackpot Ultra Running Festival on February 15th. "I plan on finishing this race faster than 27 hours and 44 minutes. If that doesn't happen, I'll probably drive to McDonalds and drown my sorrows in breakfast burritos. Then I'll punish my poor performance by forcing myself to listen to a Celine Dion CD on the way home. Chances are that I'll spend the next six days sitting in the corner of my bathroom crying."

Though the stakes are high and Reese clearly feels threatened by the possibility of listening to Celine Dion, all indications are that we will see a PR at the race. Friday night's run was smooth and deliberate.

"Actually it was pretty boring. I listened to NPR on the radio until 1:00am. How fun does that sound?" Polite reporters declined to offer an immediate response such as "I'd rather get paper cuts on my eyeballs than run 20 miles around the block."

Reese was joined for three miles by his dog Aunt Jackie. Asked to comment on the experience, Aunt Jackie's only comment was "Cory smells like sausage."

Throughout his running endeavors, Reese's wife Melanie continues to be a stalwart supporter. "Quite frankly I'd rather have him be out running. When he's home all he does is blabber on and on about Scott Jurek or steal the Raisinets out of the secret stash in my drawer."

Jackson finished a spectacular ten miles before retiring for the evening.

Allegations have surfaced against Reese that he is planning to use soreness from his 50 mile race a few weeks before the 100 mile race as an excuse if he does not achieve a personal record. Reese declined questions about this saying "I can neither confirm nor deny that I'm already preparing an excuse."

The city of Hurricane seems to be rallying around Reese's efforts. "We're really pulling for him to get a PR," said neighbor Tom Dansie. "We know how much Cory hates McDonald's breakfast burritos."

New Sponsor - Altra Shoes!

I received some exciting news over the weekend - I was selected to be an ambassador for Altra shoes! My dad passed away when I was young but I remember his lessons about how hard work pays off and you can do whatever you put your mind to. I think he would smile to know that hard work over the last few years led to sponsorship from one of the biggest running shoe companies in the country.

Part of the application process was to make a video, so my goal was to make a video as funny as humanly possible. Thankfully I got some pretty funny suggestions during the production. Would you like to see the video? Great!


I'm really excited to see what 2014 brings. I've got some cool races coming up and I'm psyched that I'll be able to do them with these cool shoes strapped to my feet.